Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Machine Gun Baby (2018) Movie Review

A throwback to a time before the rise of the current PC culture. Everything in this movie should be banned. The rape jokes, abortion jokes, Cosby jokes, gun culture glorification, obscene depraved and corrupt all of it, male-dominated chauvinistic frat boy workplace quackery, it should all be banned! The Director of Public Prosecutions needs to reform and place this piece of trash on the Video Nasty list. Jesse Helms needs to rise from the dead to condemn this film. The Catholic church needs to save the souls of every deprived pervert that even thinks about watching this gross monstrosity. There is something seriously wrong with the low life vermin that would find even the littlest enjoyment out of all the blood, guts, dark humor, and gratuitous nudity.

Ok, now that is out of the way. This is an awesome grindhouse movie (just don't watch it with your mother)! A beautifully told story about a poor Oildale debutante with the unfortunate condition of being nine months late for her meeting with Aunt Flow. The kindly Dr. Spurlock (D.T. Carney) realizes she needs the help, that only he can provide. With patronage from some generous benefactors (Brinke Stevens and George the Giant), looking for some sweet sweet baby steaks. And a very vivacious, commando going (at least in my mind), secretary (Erica Rey), that is a me-too hashtag waiting to happen. Along with an all-sleaze cast of deplorables with odds-on, they all end up in hell or shot by pro-lifers.

This movie reminds me of one of my favorite movie that I watched repeatedly in the early 90's called Terror Within (1989). Where they have to abort a baby to save mom, but the baby ain't going down like a little punk. The babes, bloody mayhem and multiple stolen scenes from Aliens (1979) makes this movie worth watching. Starring George Kennedy and Andrew Stevens, wonder if there's any relations to Brinke? It had an enough of a cult following it got a sequel Terror Within 2 (1991) that had R. Lee Ermey and Stella Stevens in it. If they are related, this ramble would make a lot more sense.

It's always fun to see Scream Queens or character actors show up in new movies. Quentin Tarantino has resurrected many careers from the dead. My favorite one recently was E.G. (Elizabeth) Daily in Rob Zombie's 31 (2016) also had Meg Foster. Ms. Daily was seemingly in every mid 80's movie, Valley Girl (1983), Streets of Fire (1984), Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985), Better off Dead (1985) and then she kind of disappeared into voice work. But Brinke never disappeared, she has been steadily making movies (writing, directing, producing, and acting) since screaming onto the screen in the 80's. The number of list of movies is too long to list here. If you don't know who Brinke Stevens is, I'm done talking to you. She also has a ton of movies coming out this year and next.

YouTube Machine Gun Baby Trailer

Waiting for a link to the Trailer, I ended up reading another review. A HORROR movie reviewer for a HORROR dedicated website criticized a low-budget, grindhouse, short for its production values, acting, and audio! Let me repeat that last part, 'criticized a low-budget, grindhouse, short for its production values, acting, and audio!'.... Even calling out Brinke Stevens acting? Really, let's say it one more time, 'criticized a low-budget, grindhouse, short for its production values, acting, and audio!' I'm all for ripping a movie to shreds, the greater the budget the more I trash 'em! My reviews aren't great, a fifth grader could write a more comprehensive review. And I've seen the show, a fifth grader is smarter than me. But this Roger Ebert wannabe needs to go back to running his Titanic (1997) fan page from his mommy's basement. If I did rate movies like the webmaster wants me to do, I would give this low-budget, grindhouse, short a 10 out of 10!

YouTube Behind the Scenes of Machine Gun Baby

The worst thing about this movie is there isn't really a tagline. Maybe 'Don't worry, it's just a baby, with an NRA membership'. Or say it out loud, 'Don't worry, it's just a wee tiny baby (in a Fat Bastard voice)....... With an NRA membership (Charlton Heston voice)'! If anyone thinks of something better add it to the comments below.

Premiere Tickets and presale DVD link

 Picture of director Rickey Bird, trying to get in touch with his character, and find its motivation.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Patient Zero (2018) Movie Review

The long-awaited movie has finally seen the light of day, and no, I'm not talking about Machine Gun Baby (2018). Patient Zero had been whispered and dangled about for far too long. Being on 2013's Blacklist for best scripts not made. Finished filming in early 2015, only to collect dust while the release date had been pushed back to August 14th, 2018.

A great line from Boondock Saints (1999) Willem Dafoe's character Paul Smecker "Television. Television is the explanation for this - you see this in bad television. Little assault guys creeping through the vents, coming in through the ceiling - that James Bond shit never happens in real life!". Unfortunately, there are far too many moments in this movie that screams 'bad television'. Survive the Zombie Apocalypse where everyone else only has the clothes on their backs, cramped on cots in a missile silo, but the main charter somehow has bought a couple cases of rare wine and his vinyl record collection. Bad TV always has that scene towards the end where the one person sacrifices themselves for no reason, 'Oh great, we made it to the six-inch thick steel door, you guys go on. I'll stay here to hold off the huge horde of infected, which they will rip through me in ten seconds because obviously, we can't have everyone survive!'

This is a B-movie, with an A-list supporting cast, and a tv actor cast in the lead role. Maybe that's unfair to Matt Smith, who isn't bad in the role of Morgan. But everyone else just shines in this movie. Stanley Tucci is an award-winning actor, who has been in a ton of underappreciated movies, Wild Card (2015) to name one. Both Natalie Dormer and John Bradley of Games of Thrones fame stand out. While GoT is on "tv", it's such an epic show that is so much more than a normal "tv show". Neither one of them comes across as a "television actor". Particularly Natalie, normally when a beautiful actress plays a doctor it's hard to believe. Think Denise Richards in 'The World is Not Enough' (1999).

Patient Zero Trailer YouTube

Another problem is after 'World War Z' (2013) the story told by Patient Zero just doesn't seem like anything new or interesting. My guess is it was placed on the Blacklist before anyone saw WWZ. That's why this was dropped from theatrical release. Studios and streaming services are still trying to quantify movie releases via streaming. The good is they don't get a black eye from releasing a bomb. Also, it's an enjoyable movie to watch and make fun of. It's perfect for a streaming platform that needs decent new content for all us binge watchers with no lives. This movie and 'Bright' (2017) would have died a horrible death at the box office. They both have a place in a world that it takes an hour to find anything new to watch on Netflix.