Friday, December 2, 2016

Skinned Deep (2004) Movie Review

The funniest thing about this movie the guy who played "The Brain" got the role by agreeing to run through Times Square naked. This guy thought 'no way in hell the producers of this low budget film, who are operating out of a van down by the river, will ever come up with the money to fly me and cameraman out there to film it'. Well, he ended up getting accosted by a bunch of old ladies while he was running through Times Square naked, who turned out to be undercover cops. The second thing is that very toned leg coming out of a very tight short leather miniskirt IS NOT Female! Warwick Davis is entertaining, way too big for this movie, and accent was out of place! It's weird to have this inbreed family in the middle of nowhere to have a member with a thick English Accent. Even weirder is his weapon of choice.

The heroine is a very pretty one and done actress. I'm always amazed when I see a talented actor or actress but they only did one movie than they disappear. No one thinks of how long it takes for a movie to make it. Especially a pasty D&D fanboy living in mommy's basement, but think they have their own place cause they have a whole level to themselves except for laundry days, creepy weirdos that watch this type of movie. Once a low budget gets made, travels the film festival circuit, gets picked up, has the distributor adds a nude scene or two, then releases it on VHS or bundles the rights with a couple Cirio H. Santiago films to be shown on late night cable. Couple years later the right people start noticing the film and want to cast the actress in their film. But she is now married with children and embarrassed about the "artistic" film she did in college. Even well known widescreen releases don't cause good actors don't break out right away, Kevin Bacon went back to small acting parts after Animal House (wonder why Friday the Thirteenth got such a big name.... he was still a starving actor), Rose McGowan went nine years after Encino Man (she was the actress that did the body art on the sliding glass door at the end) before Generation Doom came along. Not saying any actor in this movie is good enough to be in another one, just the actress was a couple levels up on the old Dante meter than the rest of the cast. Definitely a level or two above being buried up to one's nose in human waste with people stepping on your head.

Movies like this show talented people can make an enjoyable low-budget movie that other people besides relatives who politely nod and smile, while desperately trying to go to their happy place hoping for the horror to end. Not the horror like in horror movie but like soul sucking, never getting this hour back, want to shove a Cheeto in the their eye so something interesting will happen, or at the very least they can get out of watching the rest of the artistic expression that can't be called a movie cause the definition movie is an interesting visual representation of a great story. I hope they didn't show this to relatives if they ever wanted to be invited for Easter brunch ever again. Not saying this is a good movie by major motion pictures standards, more of this make more sense if you're tripping on acid after lobotomy surgery. God knows how they got Warwick Davis to be in this movie. He must be into some sick twisted stuff to be blackmailed to do this sick twisted movie.

Just something about an inbreed, backwater family, that have enough mental issues to make Dr. Phil go screaming buck naked down the street in the middle of the night, makes for great low budget horror or X-Files episode. There are more than a few scenes that will leave a scared image on the brain, and a few others that leave the watcher more confused than a millennial stuck in a panic room with a rotary phone. But anyone watching discount bin trash like this already has a few mental issues......

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories (2016) Review

Verite Cinema has a new holiday horror movie for you to snuggle up in front of the fireplace with. Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories is the sequel to 2015's Volumes of Blood, an indie hit that redefined how to create an original idea within an old genre.

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories steps up the kills to keep your cravings for carnage nourished. You won't have much time to sit back and wish for more from this buffet of blood, it comes full force and spooned right into your horror loving soul. 

While the kill scenes may be a little campy from time to time, you probably won't mind, because they have hidden many a horror fan easter eggs throughout the film. If you're watching with a friend, you can quickly glance over to share a knowing smile, or ridicule them later for not noticing something!

The dialogue in the film is better than most Hollywood films when it comes to being witty. I think even Shane Black would be hard pressed not to want to write down some of the lines for use later.

The stories all take place in and around a single home. Such as the first film centered on a single library location, only this time the plot jumps back and forth between timelines. While it can be a bit confusing at times, by the end of the film you will be completely caught up and in the know. Some stories are stronger than others, and for me personally, the current timeline lacked some of the punch of the past storylines. Also, for those who missed out on the first film and are starting off with this one (you're not doing it right) just remember that the first act is purposely hokey, so hang in there cupcake, the carnage is coming!

One thing that really stood out to me in this film was product placement. Maybe I'm just getting older and more cynical, but I'm pretty sure that by the end of the movie I had memorized the phone numbers for a cleaning service as well as a realty company in Kentucky. 

All in all, I enjoyed the sequel as a fan of horror movies as well as indie films in general, and wouldn't hesitate to encourage others to enjoy it as well, especially around the holidays.

Keep up to date on the Facebook Page: 
And check out the trailer below!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Witching & Bitching (2013) Review

Disclaimer: This movie uses what has been the cause of many fist fight and even some hair pulling for control over the remote – Sub-Titles! Most long hair, smelly, have the taste for the chronic, basement dwelling, pizza faced, horror aficionados would rather go upstairs and talk to their moms than watch a movie with subtitles. It's a shame the horror, gore, cinematic blasphemy counter culture has a long history of spewing out from countries that don't speak English. During Kung Fu Hustle my buddy firmly had the headlock engaged (might have passed out just for a second or two) before I earned a reprieve for bringing a subtitled movie into his house by everyone on screen kung fu fighting.

This movie opens at a run and keeps the pace up throughout, except for some creepy dude's close up while he is trying to get a cheap feel from an unexpecting, hot on the tail, just trying to use the nasty third world public restroom, ex-wife. A lot of the movie the viewer just has to hold on and let it do to you what it will (kinda like the first date in a creepy old dude's, with one hand, Delta 88 with the passenger side door handle nonfunctional). A lot of people can call out every plot point and twist before they happen, on top of never shutting up. But with this movie just relax and take it, it will all be ok I promise.......
Jose is a poor sap who just wants to drink, have fun and get laid, and hang out with his son -- all things that piss off the ex-wife. As his own personal “No Ma'am” support group flees the scene of a crazy opening (take note future directors) with cops and ex-wife closely on their tails, things keep going downhill and weirder. The definition of a good friend is someone that will bail you out, but a great friend will be sitting beside you saying “that was fun!.” This trio of female hating man-children quickly wish they were safely in jail surrounded by bodybuilding members of the man-on-man love association while the guards are getting coffee with the surveillance cameras turned off. All the while, Jose's son Sergio is having the time of his life through all the mayhem. He is happy to be out of school and even happier to be hanging out with his dad.

Things start calming down once they meet the hot leather wearing blonde amazonian motorcycle chick played by Carolina Bang. (My sole goal in life right now is to watch more of her movies). This is just the thing three honorary members of No Ma'am need, want or have anything to do with is a bondage with a little castration practicing Fertility Cult. Strangely Sergio is totally ok with letting the hot blonde do whatever she wants. Jose, on the other hand, knows what's coming in a one-time, one-way ticket to snip town. He wants nothing to do with the vivacious girl licking his face. Of course, being in front of a girl's mom and grandmother is always a little awkward (unless that's your thing).

No, this isn't the kind of film that would be behind the grimy curtain, in the smelly video store, north of town up by the state line. This is the most awesomeness horror movie EVER! But seriously, while Blockbuster would have had a policy against a movie like this, Netflix knows what pasty skinned basement dwellers wants, (cough cough Human Centipede). Thanks to the internet, bringer of all things we can watch late at night in the privacy of our own rooms far from the judgment of society (unless you're stupid enough to write a review about said movie).

Warning: If you watch this with any females or PC righteous asshats, they do not talk to you for at least a week (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). But they will put this on the list of things they will hold against you until the day you die (of course one more thing can't hurt). So make sure to clear not only your browsing history and on Netflix, and be prepared to have a good cover story just in case you come home to an intervention, like a computer virus that loaded and watched this movie when you weren't home.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Don't Fuck In The Woods (2016) Review

Dont Fuck In The Woods is the latest feature from Concept Media Films. The movie garnered plenty of buzz last year as being one of the most anticipated horror films to be released in awhile. The film ran a successful crowdfunding campaign and despite some production delays it is finally seeing the light of day. The film will be released through Vimeo on Demand on October 22nd followed by its physical disc form release on October 25th. For those horror fans in the New York area, you can catch the world premiere of "Don't Fuck In The Woods" tonight at The Fear NYC film festival followed by a Q&A with cast and crew of the film.

The story follows Alex (Ayse Howard), who after having a stressful time during college finals, is convinced by her girlfriend Jane (Brittany Blanton) that their planned vacation escape is just what she needs. The two girls pile into the car with their group of friends (Nadia White, Brian Cornell, Hannah Herdt, Roman Jossart) to have a fun, leisurely time in the woods. As they start to unwind, something lurking in the darkness has discovered a new and intoxicating scent. It's a modern-day creature feature that's sure to please horror fans.

The film is a fun nod to the old creature flicks of yesterday. Taking the character rules we've learned growing up with horror and slasher films and instilling that within the story. We all know that if you have sex, drink, or do drugs in a horror movie then you better watch your ass. There's plenty of all three in this film. With a title such as "Don't Fuck In The Woods" you know to expect some nudity. The beautiful female stars of this film did not shy away from shedding their clothes a time or two. Don't let the title fool you, the film isn't a porno nor is it campy trash. It's actually a very well made film. As a curious fan I had followed the film online during its course of production and can see that the dedication, passion, and money that all invested truly shines in the final product. The cinematography is beautiful, the performances are great, and the soundtrack rocks.
Without spoiling much, there is a bit of death in this film. I mean, if you're not watching this film for its T&A factor then you're definitely watching it for the blood, right? The special effects are top notch so you gore hounds out there should not be disappointed.

I personally enjoyed the film. Had a great time watching it. It's release is just in time for Halloween this year. So if you're looking for some bloody, boob filled fun then look no further than "Don't Fuck In The Woods". This is some independent horror at its finest!

I actually was fortunate enough to have an interview last year with the film's Writer/Director Shawn Burkett while the film was still in production. If you'd like to check out that interview you can find it here.

For all the latest news you can visit the film's official Facebook page.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Chasing Valentine (2015) Review

Chasing Valentine is the latest feature film from Splice Films that is quickly gathering attention, as well as awards. Most recently it took home the 2016 Austin Revolution Film Festival award for Best Foreign Feature Film.

The story follows Chase (Adam Langton) as he struggles to deal with loss after a heart-wrenching break up with the love of his life Scarlet (Jen Pogue). Antagonized and uplifted by his friend Brad (who is played by the scene-stealing Brad Cowan) he reserves himself to a life of the mundane until Valentine (Gwenlyn Cumyn) comes crashing into his world. Can a woman who has built a life of hiding behind fictitious call girl characters come crawling out of her shell, and if so, is Chase even ready to take on her demons as well as his own?

The film has a great start and then slows way down, maintaining that slow pace through most of the first half. We slowly learn about the characters and get a chance to witness some really noteworthy and award-winning acting from the cast. Right about the time you start to give up hope that the film is going to turn it up a notch, it does just that. All the story lines come crashing together like the waves of the changing tides. Our opinions and emotions take a spin as we quickly see new layers to the characters, and just like the tides, the ending leaves us- We’re not going to tell you the ending, go watch the film!

Overall, Chasing Valentine is a great film, even with the slow pace in the beginning. The writing, cinematography, and acting are all top notch and will leave you scratching your head thinking, “I thought this was an Indie Film?” Navin Ramaswaran the Writer/Director and all at Splice Films do a great job in showing the world that Indie filmmaking doesn’t have to be sloppy cuts, and cheesy acting. Check out their Facebook Page for information on where you can see it next!

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Jason Bourne (2016) Review

Matt Damon is back in the Jason Bourne shoes again as he makes his return to the franchise in this something number sequel.

There are guns, car chases, explosions, and hand to hand combat, much as the same as the other films in the series. However, this time around it seems that the studio has decided to forego the clever fight choreography and stunt work and just hand the cameras to some seizure prone cameramen. 

Please, let me not understate this, Jason Bourne used so much shaky cam footage that halfway through the movie I wished I was re-watching The Blair Witch Project, just so I could occasionally catch a break when someone dropped the camera.

Any fight choreography was demolished by the shaky cam craziness, even the inner office scenes used it, when it wasn’t even useful!

I was a pretty big fan of the other films, but this one just left such a bad taste in my mouth, I am fairly certain I am finished with the series. Good news is, I caught a trailer for an upcoming Jack Reacher movie starring Tom Cruise due out next year, so hey, same movie, different actors. 

I was hoping for a little spice via Tommy Lee Jones in Jason Bourne, but I think his spiciness has been replaced with a mighty big teaspoon of age. Every time he was on screen I just wanted to hug him, cause he looked so grandfatherly lost and confused.

If you like things exploding that make no sense, car chases that last way too long and do nothing exciting, and unrealistic  physics, you may enjoy the new Jason Bourne movie, but if you want a good movie, you should probably just choose a different film to watch. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A Familiar Spirit (2016) Review

While Halloween is still three months away, Hectic Films isn’t willing to wait to wet the appetite of the horror fans out there!

A Familiar Spirit is the newest in an ever expanding list of indie film magic that Hectic Films has been putting together while breaking barriers that have long since defined the film industry.

This isn’t your normal cut and paste horror film based on a single style of filming. It bleeds over and oozes through multiple camera uses, movements, and styles. From the security cam footage to the amazing and genius “Jack Dog” shaky cam, you get the emotional pull of being in the scene without that motion sickness side effect when a film tries to use it for the whole movie. 

A Familiar Spirit is based on actual events from Bakersfield, CA. One of the oldest historical areas of Kern County, Oleander has been said to still hold many of the souls that made their lives there, long after their bodies have been returned to the ground and their voices slowly forgotten.

Chris Kovacs plays Jim, a grade 'A' ass-hat of a boyfriend who decides to set up security cameras in the hopes of catching a local thief in the act, even though he should be doing it to get justice for his girlfriend Cynthia who was injured by the vandal hurling a rock through their front window. 

Chelsea Newman absolutely nails the role of Cynthia, the terrified girlfriend who wants nothing more than to leave, but who begrudgingly tries to hold it together in a world where the things of nightmares are slowly starting to seep into the waking world.  

Erica Rey also shines in her role as Samantha, the sexy roommate who is not your cookie cutter horror movie bimbo. She has a dark fire in her eyes and sarcasm that slides off her tongue so perfectly it leaves you wishing she had more lines in the film. 

The story follows the three of them as they each deal with the horrors of a haunting in their own ways. From the denial of Jim, the reluctant acceptance of Cynthia, to the nonchalant “Deal with it” attitude of Samantha we get to see just how the human psyche absorbs and handles reality when everything we have ever known is challenged and ultimately shredded by the whispering of spirits, the playing of poltergeist, and the terror of manifested demons. 

Just remember, Familiar Spirits can be called anywhere, and may show up at any time. So as the lights dim and the screen lights up with the Hectic Films logo, you might not want to concentrate too hard on that shadowy movement you just saw from the corner of your eye. 

A Familiar Spirit will have a Special Screening at Heroes & Horror Con III in Bakersfield, CA on September 10th, 2016

You can check out the event pages by clicking the links above. 

Friday, July 15, 2016

Ghostbusters (2016) Review

Should you watch the new Ghostbusters movie? Well, I can’t say for sure, but I can tell you that I felt satisfied when I walked out of the theater.

Sure, I went in with extremely low expectations, but I was glad to have those expectations exceeded because this is a franchise that truly deserves a little glory. Right, I know, the second one was about as bad as you expect the new one to be, but still. Ghostbusters!

So as we all did, I watched the trailers and then shook my head in sadness. All female lead cast? I’m perfectly fine with that, kind of looked forward to it actually. Melissa McCarthy though, you couldn’t find anyone else? Eeek, never been a fan of her style of humor or movies but whatever. The major point that made me question the film from the trailers alone was the lack of any real fright! The original had its humor but it also had its moments of pure scare that made it a great movie. The trailer lacked that for the most part, and I was worried.

Enough about the trailer though, let’s get to the movie review, shall we? If you are a fan of HBO’s Silicon Valley, you will recognize one of the actors from the opening scene of the movie pretty fast and probably grin ear to ear as I did. If you never heard of the HBO show, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter or have anything to do with the movie. 

This opening scene calmed my worry about the lack of any real seriousness in the film, it handled it in true Ghostbusters fashion, setting the scare with just the right amount of fright! 

Is the plot basically the same as the original two films? Sure. Are there enough differences to make it worth watching? Absolutely. For one, the lead cast are not carbon copy versions of the originals, they have a couple similarities, but are quite uniquely their own. Are the special effects a little too brightly neon? Not always, but most of the time, yes.

After watching the movie the only real major complaint I have is with the music. The original Ghostbusters had a perfectly blended mix of music and movie. Where the songs reached out, grabbed you, and pulled you deep into the film itself. The remake has a moment of that towards the end, and just as you start to raise your fist in the air and cheer, it vanishes in a blink, leaving you feeling a little hollow and unsatisfied.

I would recommend seeing it, although I don’t think it will make anyone’s top ten list of favorite films. 

Check out the Trailer below and you may note for the record, I do now have a crush on Kate McKinnon.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Six Feet Down Under (2016) Episode One Review

My apologies for taking so long to get this review out to the masses, after watching the first episode of Six Feet Down Under, I had to take a break to peel my man panties off the floor and take a shower.

Take everything you love about any Jason Bourne movie, and then trim away all the fat and boring segments that threaten to lull you to sleep, and you may begin to understand just how action packed and ready to please Six Feet Down Under is.

Guy Grundy brings the pain in a way that will leave you a little sore after watching, as you cringe and flex along with the action in the same fashion that you might while watching a mixed martial arts fight on television. Shaun Piccinino may be in need of a quick detach scope, but he excels at kicking ass and leaving without the need to take names for a second matchup. Aaron Schoenke was a bit of a surprise. I’m used to seeing him play some of the fan favorites from the Super Power Beat Down series, such as Joker, Nightwing, and even the web-slinger himself Spider-Man. Gone in this role is the slightly twisted sense of humor and wit, but there is something under that cool exterior that leaves you excited to see where things will lead in future episodes. Hopefully, we will get to see his fighting skills come out to play with the other bad boys of the series. Anthony Appello isn’t just a stand in supporting actor, he has the attitude, acting scraps, and imposing stature to be the yang to Grundy’s yin. Seeing these kinds of things really gets me excited. As one of my greatest pet peeves is a supporting cast that seems so throw away from the start, that you could care less if, how, and when they bite the bullet. Then we have Vernon Wells, of course, I don’t need to say anything more. Yes, he is still Vernon Wells, and yes you should be as grateful as I am to see him on the screen again.

All in all, Six Feet Down Under is for those of us who enjoy fast-paced, hard-hitting action. It’s not for those who are looking for a heartwarming story of a boy and his pony, saving a sack full of kittens from a tree. I’m not saying you’re wrong if that is your cup of tea, I’m just saying that once she goes to bed, you should fire up the internet one last time and go watch Six Feet Down Under before you follow your wife to bed.

Oh don't worry ladies, I'm well aware that there are plenty of action-loving female film nuts out there as well. Keep watching after the credits and you will see that Six Feet Down Under is not just a "Mans World."

Check it out now!